‘Little Barry Special’s Christmas Wish’ - 16th December, 2013
Dear
Santa
I
have been a very well behaved, hard working farmer this year & have just
one thing I would like in my Santa stocking on Christmas morning…
A brand new wife!
Now I don’t mean to appear ungrateful, but my current
one is really mean, disrespectful, pretty much over the hill & keeps
writing stories about me. I am even
prepared to consider a trade-in to sweeten the deal.
My new wife should be very young & extremely hot,
extraordinarily naïve & have a solid understanding of a woman’s place in
the home, circa 1918. She needs to be
anally retentive when it comes to housework & never make fun of my sweeping...allow
me to eat white bread (with every meal), & be ready & waiting at the
door when I get home each night with a frosty Corona in one hand & chops
& three veg in the other.
I don’t particularly care where she comes from, as
long as it’s not Victoria.
She should have the IQ of a newt & never talk back,
use sarcasm, roll her eyes, make obscene gestures behind my back or make fun of
me. In fact she doesn’t even have to
speak English, as long as she laughs at my jokes, even though she may have
heard them once or twice before (!), & understands the ‘international
language’…of lurve!!
I would like her interests to include…vacuuming,
ironing, cooking…for me, shooting parrots, taking out the garbage, mowing the
lawn & watching me play hockey.
I would also be terribly grateful if she harboured an
intense dislike for pets, especially Labradors, the Hawthorn Football team,
Keith Urban & skiing.
She would never ever criticise my driving or make fun
of my handyman skills & would rush to my defence should I make an
uncharacteristic social faux pas, instead of just sitting back grinning,
allowing me to dig an even bigger hole for myself.
Under no circumstances would she ever refer to me as
Mr Special or Barry & she would have no computer or typing skills, which
may lead to unwanted story telling…in fact she should be illiterate!
She would bare me children that didn’t make mess, were
cheap to maintain, never ate in the car, fight or speak unless spoken to…they
could even be mute!
She should never use logic or reason should we ever
have a disagreement, & park as far away from the supermarket as possible,
so as not to sustain any dings on the car from run-away trolley’s or other car
doors.
Well, I think that’s about it Santa, as I said, I have
been very good this year, & will be sure to have my stocking ready &
waiting in anticipation of you feeling as sorry for me as I feel for myself!
Your friend
Little Peter Cowcher
From Barry, his mean
wife & family of little (definitely not mute) Specials we wish
you all a safe, happy
& wonderful
Festive Season &
a healthy & prosperous New Year....
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